I'm writing a love story, and here it is:
a love story in mid-air
by Don
Once upon a time, actually, it's more like Right now, there is a man called Rihanna.
But I don't like the Rihanna name, so I decide to change his name to Steeeve.
Ok. For some reason, Steeeve fell out of a plane while he was sleeping in the airplane toilet. And as he was dropping down onto earth, he kept asking questions. His questions were answered by a voice somewhere in the air, the voice belonged to Marrie, but she was nowhere to be seen.
So this is Steeeve and Marrie's conversation as Steeeve was falling down from the plane:
Where am I?
You are currently 35,678 feet above sea level. Don't even bother memorizing this number; it will decrease really rapidly during the next few minutes.
Why am I 35,678 feet above sea level?
29,801 feet now, actually. And it's because in all likelihood you were accidentally flushed out of the airplane toilet when you were asleep in there. Congratulations! This is rare.
Wait a minute, this is not rare. This is REALLY rare.
Why was I asleep in the airplane toilet?
There are a variety of sound reasons for you being asleep in the toilet. It' very likely, for instance, that you were asleep prior to boarding the aircraft and were unable to get a stewardess to wake you up.
Alternatively, it' possible that you just thought "Hey! I feel like sleeping in the toilet!" And then you went in there and did that. And somehow, &*(&&^ (*&^#( &^(# you were thrown out of the plane.
I told you, your case is REALLY rare.
Argh. HIc hic. So what I can do now?
If at all possible, try to panic. Punching around in the air will create air resistance. This will fight the gravitational force pulling you down rapidly, or so I think. Anyway, do you remember the apple that dropped on Newton's head? Maybe you can drop on somebody's head and make that person a genius, just like Newton.
Anyway, I really hate learning physics in school, even though I was marvellous at it. Oh, you have 15,549 feet left by the way.
So it' possible I could stop myself from falling?
No, it's impossible. REALLY. You can sing though, it will take your mind off the sudden impact you are about to experience.
Well, don't you think this kitten is really cute?
huh?
Never mind, next question, please!
I heard that people usually black out in situations like this. I probably won't feel a thing, right?
It is true that the velocity of your descent will cause you to lose consciousness prior to impact.
Well, that's-
However, it' important to note that hitting the ground at a terminal velocity of 120 miles per hour tends to be a bit of an attention-getter. So you'll probably wake right back up just in time to die horrifically.
Oh. Will it hurt?
Oh good grief yes. Though if it's any consolation, it won't hurt for long. I notice you haven't asked about whether or not you should use your parachute yet.
Oh thank you, I have a parachute?
Strangely enough, yes. You must have grabbed it before you were thrown out of the airlock. It's strapped to your back.
I just pulled the ripcord and nothing happened. Is something wrong?
Well, that was the cord that connects the parachute to your body, so you have just thrown away your parachute. Note the large object directly behind you, floating slowly and happily away from your back. That was your parachute.
The ground's starting to look awfully close. Is there anything else I could try?
Lean forward until you are floating completely flat on your stomach. This will even out the impact.
Even out the impact might save my life?
Erm, no. But it will probably ensure you explode.
So whatever I do, I'll still be dead in the end?
But no one will know you were flushed out of the airplane toilet, accidentally threw away your parachute, and talked to an imaginary Marrie like me.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
100 feet
54 feet
..
..
2 feet
1 feet
PHUMMPH.
Oh, Steeeve exploded.
But he did not die. He just walked away happily and innocently.
It just happened. Don't ask me why!
Moral of the story: Not all stories have morals!
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